Right out of the oven:

One minute you're at a holiday party thrown by your boss, the next minute he's sending 20,000 volts through your nuts...In other testicle news this week, the Cupcake was relieved to learn that cooler heads prevailed in the Virginia General Assembly, leaving "Truck Nutz" as an acceptable form of protected speech for the time being (special thanks to my girl Jessi out in San Diego for turning me on to deez'nuts way back when)...They do things a little differently out in the Bay Area - Palo Alto reviewing plans for converting cow manure to electricity...Ocean Shore, WA red-necks start using, uhm, brains, develop cool new, though likley inefficient, deer-hunting technique...Problem: You've run out of spare change and desparately need some for the soda machine. Its snowing outside. You're girlfirend has borrowed your car so you have no means of transportation. Solution: Steal a backhoe from a neighborhood construction site, drive it to the nearest car wash (sure to be vacant given the weather conditions) and excute reliable "car-wash-coin-machine-backhoe-jack" robbery using aforementioned stolen construction equipment...In a coldly precise, .203 BAC performance, Stephen Wayne Wolf secures his record 19th drunk driving conviction after hit and run accident...And finally, the Jack Tripper of the frog world becomes part of Three's Company-style mistaken identity the hard way. As one veternarian put it, "You shouldn't be kicking toads to death anyway, it's far better to catch them up and pop them in the freezer." Good advice Doc.

The "George F. Will makes an interesting point" moment of the week:

I've always admired George Will, albiet at an arm's length. Depsite his conservative leanings, he generally approaches politics from a concurrence of realistic political philosophy and solid political strategy. And he has a sense of history unsurpassed in the punditry world. In this morning's Washington Post, after reminding everyone how ridiculous the Democratic Party's nomination process is, he focuses squarely on the absurdity of Hillary Clinton's continued assertions that her "vast" experience should somehow automatically relegate Barack Obama to the back-burner (Thank Christ someone finally did!). Essentially, George reminds us that the experience she keeps touting includes, as he puts it, "everything she has done since school, from her years at Little Rock's Rose Law Firm to her good fortune with cattle futures, as presidentially relevant experience." Most of which, I might add doesn't add up to a hill of beans in political accomplishment. And, in an even more astute observation, he duly notes that Abraham Lincoln was merely a one-term Congressman prior to being president. If I recall correctly, his mug is on our currency, and more than one piece at that - ok, so the penny is somewhat inconsequential, but its still, as Vincent Vega once termed it, legal tender. In fact, Abe's one of a select few presidents to acheive that feat to my knowledge (Washington and Jefferson being the others - correct me if I've left someone out). Gee, look what a lack of experience can get you...your face immortalized on a coin and a bill, not to mention a monument the size of the Astrodome.

Perhaps if the major "liberal media" (another fallacy for another blog) weren't so wrapped up in horse-race coverage, someone other than a conservative columnist like George Will would have pointed this stuff out already. Infurating? Not really. Depressing is more like it. Which leads me into...

A non-denial denial? moment of the week (so far):

Wow. Looks like they'll be burning copies of The New York Times in overdrive throughout red-state Amerikkka...just after the Cupcake defends Senator McCain against the barrage of unfounded and ridiculous criticsm leveled toward him from the likes of Rush Limbaugh, the Times breaks a potential bombshell of a story about his possible philandering and influence peddling. T'is not the Cupcake's place to pass judgement on an issue of this magnitude, but I can say that working in public affairs myself, I can smell a non-denial denial a mile away - and, so far, the McCain camp's responses have been riddled with them. Take, for example, the first official response:

"It is a shame that The New York Times has lowered its standards to engage in a hit-and-run smear campaign. John McCain has a 24-year record of serving our country with honor and integrity. He has never violated the public trust, never done favors for special interests or lobbyists, and he will not allow a smear campaign to distract from the issues at stake in this election."

"Americans are sick and tired of this kind of gutter politics, and there is nothing in this story to suggest that John McCain has ever violated the principles that have guided his career."

It would have been nice if, in addition to telling us about his war record - need we be reminded of that under this circumstance? - or his disdain for special interests or how sick of this "kind of gutter politics" we all are (we're not, we just say that), the spokesperson issuing this statement mentioned that the accusations are completely and utterly false. Hmmm, didn't see that anywhere.

In McCain's defense, he did issue a statement that first targeted the article as being untrue (hardly a denial) followed closely with an emphatic "no" when asked if he was ever romatically initimate with the lobbyist in question (that's what we were looking for Johnny). Man, for a self-described straight talker, it sure took a while for him to tells us he didn't sow a final oat or two.

And, as for the Times, I hope the hell they're right because if they're not, they just dropped a gold mine of fodder for Hannity and crew to tee off on Tiger Woods-style.

You should check out:

Hail Social. Straight outta Philly. In the words of Tom & Ed, extra supa dope. Nice lo-fi artwork. Killer lo-fi beats. Check out at all costs.

Right out of the oven:

Landscaper acquires WWII memento the hard way, loses clothes (they were burned for disposal by the fire department) and receives one of those cool fire-hose showers like the one from Silkwood...Welcome to the neighborhood! "Stressed" elk makes itself at home in man's dining room...Cornwall man identifies reason #684 to never go hang-gliding (Featuring killer rescue footage!)...Our specials tonight include frozen ferret, frozen house cat and frozen, ahem, sea otter!...Snowball antics elicit your average, every day shotgun/machete response...What a way to get it - innocent stop at port-o-let on way home from meeting yields a lifetime of nightmares...And finally, unsuspecting kite flier encounters 50 MPH gust, becomes airborne to the tune of 20 ft and, in what won't be a surprise to anyone, falls on face and suffers severe back injuries. Justin Pugh, manager of the local kite shop, summed it up best: "What happened is just a freak gust of wind catching him off guard, I think."

Kool-Aid Drinking 101:

In the wake of Senator John McCain's big night (and yes, it was big), the Cupcake thought it only fair to momentarily shift focus to the Republicans for a change. Now that McCain is clearly the "frontrunner" for the Republican nomination, its appropriate to comment on the recent backlash against the Senator from the utlra-right-faction of the Republican party otherwise known as the Conservative Media Community and their bretheren (e.g., Orange County, Evangelicals, etc). His success on Super Tuesday will no doubt only serve to further agitate this clan. Indeed, they will talk of how Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney established themselves as the true "conservative" candidates (by that, I assume they mean ignorant biggot and wolf-in-sheep's-clothing-with-good-math-skills, respectively). Let me tell you, if you're surprised that Huckabee won in places like Georgia and Alabama, you need to go sign up for an adult-ed Political Science course. And with the Mittster...let's put it this way, if you can't win your home state (or in this case states), you don't deserve to be in the running to begin with - his victories were even more inconsequential than Huckabee's, if not at least as expected. McCain is in no trouble and will have no problem whatsoever securing the nomination. Why? Because the "true" conservatives of the party have decided to take back their party - these Republicans understand that having the Democrats think you're okay is a helluva lot more beneficial to everyone than having the slim fringe of Evangelical America and talk-radio think you're okay. Which brings me to the McCain-bashing...

The McCain attacks have been eerily ridiculous (think Bizarro-world Superman...nice try at the old bait & switch Ann), tasteless/shameless (Rush Limbaugh couldn't hold Bob Dole's jock strap) and, not surprisingly, completely unified. The Cupcake can understand these conservative "pundits" holding a level of apprehension, or even distaste, against someone who is, in many ways, a liberal Republican. We're dealing with people that have all been living high on the hog for over a decade, first feasting on the carcass of Bill Clinton and then feasting on the propserity he and his Republican predecessors sowed. What I don't understand is why they hate him so much? I've been giving that a lot of thought and the logical explanation is: he represents the end of their reign. He has refused to drink the same kool-aid this faction has been drinking since 2000. You know the kool-aid I'm talking about. It's the kool-aid that has: A) the economy in the toilet, B) the richest 1% of this country riding the other 99% like those burros that take people up and down the Grand Canyon, C) our military mired down in a travesty of unwarranted privatization and alarming depletion because of over-extension (oh, I forgot, you go to war with the army you've got...) and D) a large majority of the other 193 countries on this planet ready to kick us off the island.

In fact, given the wild popularity of John McCain with the Republicans that have already voted in the primaries, things are looking pretty good for a general election showdown that very well may have the Republicans retaining the White House. If anything, the general eletcion, if held now, would be decided by a razor-thin margin - which, to the Cupcake anyway, is mind-boggling considering roughly 70% of the electorate disapprove of the job George W. Bush is doing. In other words, if "pundits" like Rush think McCain of 2008 resembling Dole of 1996 is bad, they'd do well to game out the fact that a Mitt Romney or Mike Huckabee of 2008 would look a lot worse - my guess is that they'd suffer the same fate Barry Goldwater did in 1964. At least Bob Dole walked away with a reasonable amount of self-respect intact. I think this Republican primary season has shown undisputably that the small-ruling elite of the Republican party is about to be deposed...the party of Lincoln is ready to come back to its roots of fiscal conservatism and respect for equality by telling those that have created all these divisions in our county to take a hike.

Recognizing that their legacy, indeed their very claim to fame, is at stake with this election, this core of "conservatives" is lashing out the only way they can. They know a McCain victory would relegate them to side-show freaks a la Joe McCarthy - a mere footnote in American history eventually regarded as misguided and ridiculous. These people are so afraid of change it makes me ashamed that they call themselves Americans. To viciously tarnish a man that has given so much to this country is appalling. And to suggest that this man would be soft on terrorism and defeatist in Iraq after what he's been through- first as a Naval aviator, next as a POW for over 5 years and then as a politician who has proudly exercised his right to independent thought - is ludicrous. By the way, no "pundit" has any shred of military experience, let alone combat experience - Limbaugh comes the closest with a Vietnam deferment...

Besides themselves, the only people Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity have to be upset with for turning most regular, tax-paying, rational Republicans toward McCain are those currently in the White House. In fact, based on the primary results so far, it seeems the large majority of people voting in the Republican primaries want to field the strongest candidate possible so they can win. Nevermind that, the Hannity types are too blind to see that a McCain presidency, if supported in the right way, could place the White House in Republican hands for elections to come. They would rather tar and feather their best option at redemption than say, "Hey, you know what? our guy has screwed things up good, everyone is against us and maybe the pendulum does need to shift back if we want to retain power." Of course, you'd never catch them saying that. They all have too much of that Nixon pride that so famously worked against rationality.

Well I, for one, say thank you for the near-sightedness guys, its very much appreciated!

You should check out:

I've been reading a lot lately...most recently, I started Flight of the Falcon, the true story about Christopher John Boyce's escape from prison and the subsquent manhunt. If you've ever seen the film The Falcon and the Snowman, this sequel to that film is a must read. If you haven't, then see the film at the very least. For a quick tutorial on this true story of treason with side dishes of falconry and drug dealing, check these out:

Falcon #1 (this one's a little slow to load)
Falcon #2

You should check out:

Hidden Shoal Recordings (http://www.hiddenshoal.com/); bad ass bands, bad ass downloads and bad ass art work...of particular interest should be Monocle's Outer Sunset - two words: Spooky, Killer

Right out of the oven:

Right out of the oven:

Face it, some people, like Charles Hoyle, have a death wish...Guillermo gets 5-years in the fun house, a deportation after he serves his sentence and the rest of his life without his testicles...Cartoonist takes it to the limit one more time with the Muslim world, creating the usual mass hysteria (this picture says it all - when is someone gonna introduce these people to quaaludes?!)...The state of Idaho might want to consider adding a driving-while-passengers-have-intercourse-in-back-seat section to standard driver's ed curriculum after Joshua Frank loses control of his SUV...In case you're at a loss for creative gifts to give this Christmas, Celebtrity Skin and Bodily Fluids is selling, among other things, hermetically sealed canisters of Mike Tyson's poop...“When he saw me, he said he was bathing, and asked me if I had some shampoo.”...Any of you guys out there having trouble, er, attracting women? Well, maybe you should try bathing yourself in urine...And, on an electrifying end note for the week; "I don't remember what happened. One minute I was taking a leak and the next thing I knew I was in the hospital!"...

Scary George W. Bush moment of the week:

I have no doubt that most of you would name the Nelson Mandela moment as your top pick, but giving the President the benefit of the doubt after reading that response in context, I'm confident it was blown out of proportion for a cheap laugh, most notably by The Daily Show. So, all jokes aside, the truly "Scary George W. Bush Moment of the Week" for The Cupcake was stumbling across this Dan Froomkin article from The Washington Post regarding Bush's compentency, and more importantly, the real impact of his administration's consolidation of power within the executive branch through his use of political patronage in rewarding long-time loyalists with key administration positions. There once was an administration that thought/practiced the way this one does - consolidation as a necessity to maintain control, categorically lying to the public about a misguided war, using the wheels of the federal bueracracy to elimate its enemies...and they were forced to resign so we could all start over. If you're getting the Nixon vibe I'm putting out, great. If not, you should probably brush up on your American history.

Hopeful "Generation Y is not completely asleep at the wheel" moment of the week:

In a show of true defiance, J. David McSwane, Editor-In-Chief of the Rocky Mountain Collegian at Colorado State University, stuck to his convictions and refused to pull his very concise editorial. Good for him. If only more news outlets had the balls this kid does, we'd be a lot better off.

You should check out: Three Days of the Condor Original Motion Picture Soundtrack by Dave Grusin...most of this album could have just as easily been found in the porn of the 70's - killer stuff

On one hand, there could have been worse things to take your frustration out on; on the other hand, cows for target practice?...Area deer suffering from mid-life crisis decides to end it all...Excuse me, flight attendant? I asked for a bag of peanuts, not a bag of penis!...Ever wonder what celebrity you look like? The people at My Heritage have that and a lot more to offer...Sending e-greetings is, in this day and age, passe to say the least, but someecards.com has the opportunity to pump a lot of new life into your on-line greetings...What, exactly, was the best part of Lillian Dunn's morning? Was is the whole driving-with-a-blanket-over-her-head thing? Maybe it was running head-on with her car through the front door of the police station? No, wait, it was definitely the part where she gave that curious, just-almost-mown-down officer the finger in defiance of his concern for her and then sped off...Vanity taken to a new level: Neuticles for your male dog to keep him looking, uhm, virile...and, on an explosive ending note for the week; this suicide-land-dispute-resolution-dinner party sounded like a sure-fire blast...

WTF? moment of the week:

The Smoking Cupcake likes Kanye West as much as the next guy, especially in light of him keeping it real during the Katrina telethon, but his rant at the MTV VMAs last week was absolutely ridiculous...And when I say ridiculous, I don't mean ridiculous because I had a problem with him being upset about not winning despite being nominated for 5 awards. Disappointment, anger, etc...all that I can understand. With probability being like gravity, one would think it safe to assume he's taking home one of those 5 awards. That said, my beef with tha'K to-the-anye is that he was so pissed about not winning an MTV Video Music Award, the single-most irrelevant award given throughout the entire irrelevant award circuit. I mean, are ya' kidding me? It's not like he got stiffed for an Oscar or a Grammy. He got stiffed for a Moon Man! What's even more impossible to believe is he was that upset yet had nothing to do with 2 of the 5 nominations he received (and, technically, a third since being nominated for the Quadrulple Threat of the Year Award merely meant he'd been nominated for 4 other "awards"). Follow my logic: Kanye was nominated for Best Editor and Director. My guess is that Kanye knows as much about video editing and directing as the Cupcake knows about nuclear fusion (my knowledge of which begins and ends with the first 10 minutes of Escape from New York). In fact, according to MTV's own web site, he had absolutely nothing to do with the editing or the directing of the video nominated in both categories. So, why on Earth was he so pissed, for example, about missing out on the Moon Man for Best Editor? Why was he even fucking nominated if he didn't actually do the editing? Mystifying...

Is there:

A more tormented soul on the planet than Orenthal James Simpson? The Juice outdoes himself yet again in Las Vegas to the tune of armed robbery. If we can just get a grand theft auto and imbezzlement or something, maybe he can be nominated for Quadruple Threat of the Year at the 2008 VMAs.

You should check out: Carnival of Light by RIDE...undervalued and overlooked gem from the progenitors of Shoegaze despite abandoning the wall of sound

Its a good thing there were no other kangroos reported missing in the entire country of Germany (shocking, I know) or else the cops might have had trouble identifying Skippi...Taking parody to a whole new level, the latest in ghetto fabulous footwear is even offered in kids sizes - just in case any of your little ones at home are aspiring drug lords (free shipping too, woo hoo!)...I was beginning to think bees (or lack thereof) would be the death of us...Larry Craig isn't the only conservative who likes public restrooms as Operation Summer Heat nets Episcopal preist, among others, in North Carolina...Those Orlando squirrels are vicious I tell you...Ah, the things that lead to severe genital bruising: "He pronounced her name May-gan, instead of Mee-gan, prompting Conroy to get upset"...When I think of animal attacks, buffalo rarely come to mind, especially unprovoked buffalo...The victim — described as a “quiet family man” — was attacked after playing pool with pals at a bar in Washington, Tyne and Wear...I'm glad Michael Vick realizes what he, you know, did was immature and that he has to, you know, grow up...The recent GAO report on the less than adequate performance of the Department of Homeland Security comes as no surprsise..."Those fireworks were meant to go up 30 to 40 feet in the air," he said. "And they went off in his face instead!"...and, finally, ever wondered what it would be like to own a lighthouse of your very own? Check out these digs located 3 miles off shore in the middle of the Delaware Bay...

You should check out: ...and this is our music by Brian Jonestown Massacre (thanks to Charli for her immaculate directions)...Anton is on his game big time

The Smoking Cupcake's recent downtime has been overloaded with the usual bombardment of trivial and seemingly inconsequential material - there is truly more out there than meets the eye. So, in an effort to periodically give you a window into what I find scary, practical, trite, comedic and absurd, I give you the inagural Outpost Trasmission:

Ever wonder what would happen if somone ground-burst a 550 kiloton nuclear warhead in your backyard? The people at the International Journal of Health Geographics did...All yea, all yea, Tony Wilson, co-founder of Factory Records, passed from cancer August 10th (I'm sure the ever-exploitative Wilson would want you to go watch 24 Hour Party People right now)... In 1983, Rev. Tom Bird allegedly murdered his wife - creepy stuff...Is anyone else tired of Amy Winehouse and her douchebag husband?...Looks like Kevin Morford definitely chose the wrong week to stop sniffing glue...Sometimes, lawnmowers suck...I've been trying to explain the military draft conundrum to people for 6 years...Something tells me Lazaro shouldn't be defending himself...

You should check out: Sergio Mendes & Brasil '66 - Greatest Hits (many thanks to Mr. & Mrs. T-Bone)...this guy is so popular, he can't even go to the bathrooom in South America