Right out of the oven:

Trouser snake meets real (and real venomous) brown snake during roadside stop for bladder relief...A fair assumption is that Gordon Russell Cromwell has seen Pulp Fiction a few too many times…Last week it was the child-molesting magician (surely you remember “Long Island’s Favorite Magician”), this week it’s “Trim-Trim the Clown” getting popped for, naturally, child molestation…Newly hired Principal teaches 4th and 5th graders “lesson” with bag of poop…Since we’re talking feces – memo to all petty parking lot thieves: if you’re being chased on foot by the two dudes whose truck you just broke into, avoid port-o-lets at all costs…An “unusually aggressive bear” boards Vancouver boat to eat salmon fisherman (great bear action-shot!)…And finally, in other bear news this week, drunk zoo employee in mood to hug enters panda enclosure and, to no one’s surprise, leaves with severe wounds to leg, arm (another great bear action-shot!).

The “now it’s all making sense” moment of the week:

Well, the smoke has cleared (depending on where you’re sitting) and it’s become quite evident why McCain selected Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin: if he had nominated anyone with any legitimate experience and a platform and/or resume worth talking about, this election would have stayed squarely focused on issues. Instead, we’re getting a lot of bobbing and weaving (almost 2 full weeks after her nomination, Mrs. Palin is finally giving a solo interview), absurd allegations (“lipstick on a pig”) and a complete smoke-screen of dirty politics that has all but relegated Obama-Biden to Ed “Second Banana” McMahon status. What’s more is that, in concert with the claims of gutless right-wing parrots like Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity that she’s not getting a fair shake in the media despite wildly positive coverage thus far, only scant coverage has focused on how under-qualified and extreme Palin is. I’ve heard how great her speech at the convention was. I’ve heard how she appeals to undecided moderates (if this is the case, that voting-block needs to be renamed). I’ve even heard how she’s overshadowing McCain in popularity.
So, in what will surely be a vain effort to counteract the overwhelming impression that this “hockey mom” is something other than what we’ve been told, I’ve spent the last week collecting some facts about Sarah Palin that few want to acknowledge:

- While Barrack Obama was community organizing on the South Side of Chicago, Sarah Palin was a local television sports broadcaster, not the Mayor of Wasilla, AK. What was I thinking? Her belittling was spot on – why would anyone admire a kid just out of college that worked on behalf of people who had (and still have) very little hope in one of the most depressed areas of the country more than a sports broadcaster with a cool nickname?
- Her “important” stint as Mayor, once it finally arrived (Obama was already a State Senator at this juncture) – the cornerstone of her alleged qualifications as compared to Obama – came in a town of about 6,000 people. She won her second term by a margin of about 800 votes, though only about 1,200 people voted. By comparison, Barrack Obama won his second term in the Illinois State Senate by a margin of 45,000 votes.
- As Mayor, Palin apparently considered having certain books removed from the pubic library and then had the librarian fired when it was indicated that that move would be unwelcome.
- In an apparent grudge-reaction, Palin has been tied to the illegal firing of her former brother-in-law, a state-employee. As of today, her husband is now being investigated by the State of Alaska for his role in the scandal.
- For some reason, Palin thinks Iraq had something to do with the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001. Good thing the troops are on a mission from God.
- Palin is a strict Christian that has gone on record advocating the teaching of fiction (read: The Bible) alongside the teaching of strongly supported scientific theory (read: On the Origin of Species) in pubic schools – for however long she’d allow public schools to remain a staple of the American dream. Of course, if the Republicans keep running the economy, there won’t be an American dream left to take advantage of.
- And, while we’re on her religion, the right-wing media (a.k.a. the mainstream media) have repeatedly hassled anyone making even a remotely critical reference to Palin’s religious affiliation as “bashing” – I guess they would know all about that tactic given the bashing Kerry took in 2004 for having had the integrity to A) volunteer for Vietnam (Bush dodged the draft) and B) voicing his well-considered opinion about it after he served admirably.
- Palin is staunchly anti-choice when it comes to abortion, so much so she would be against it even in the case of her own daughter being raped.
- In addition to the numerous falsehoods made by her Republican colleagues at the convention, she herself blatantly lied on at least three occasions.
I let the facts speak for themselves. What little evidence The Cupcake has presented here should tell you the only fact that is of any importance: not only is Palin ill-prepared, but she poses a massive threat to the integrity of public servants, our civil liberties and the fine line between church and state. It’s a shame no one else is reporting her story in these terms. It looks like the media are fine with giving the “Straight Talk Express” a free ride right into the White House.

You should check out:
An EP Collection by Balun; obscure lo-fi, Aphex Twinish outfit that benefits from being less Aphex Twin and more lo-fi. Honorable mentions for the week include: the return of Oasis and the pre-Dig Out Your Soul-release track “Falling Down,” and both new Chemical Brothers tracks (“Keep My Composure” & “Midnight Madness”) featured on their unnecessary 2nd “best of” compilation Brotherhood (though the album does come with an allegedly badass bonus disc of “Electronic Battle Weapon” versions 1-9).

Right out of the oven:

Hanky-panky with park bench leads to ill-timed encounter with police, emergency workers…Got a beef with City Hall? Why not send them a pair of edible goat testicles!...I wonder if it’s mandatory that you be completely hammered before taking the stage as Ted Kennedy while performing at, ahem, political karaoke?…Squirrel on “nut hunt” (Spiegel Online’s words, not mine) puts the smack down on TV broadcast…Brutus the bull mistakes owner for pin cushion…Speaking of bulls, Mr. Zantrex The Bull reacts badly to being spray-painted with blue food coloring…Don’t people like Robert Infantino always seem to A) have nicknames like “Long Island’s Favorite Magician” and B) claim things like peeping and possessing child porn are big misunderstandings?...And finally, the things they have to live with in Australia – Melbourne jogger runs afoul of AWOL kangaroo and pays for it with impromptu boxing lesson.

The “everyone is asking the wrong question” moment of the week:

Since Sen. McCain’s August 29th announcement of Gov. Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential choice, everyone on both sides of the aisle has been going crazy over her qualifications, background and personal life. Not that this furor should be unexpected, nor is it unwarranted despite Sen. Obama having said repeatedly that Palin’s personal life should not have anything to do with being considered for President. I guess the way Obama sees it, Bush got a free ride twice on the personal background ticket so why challenge it – let’s win on merit instead. And remember, Bush’s rides came despite him being an admitted recovered alcoholic (maybe), an alleged draft dodger, an alleged cocaine abuser and, in general (no alleged here), the world’s worst businessman. If issues of this magnitude didn’t matter in 2000 and 2004, why should they matter with respect to a lowly VP nominee? In the immediate, Palin's issues - excuse the pun - pale in comparison to the one question everyone should be asking: What happened to all the other astronomically more qualified suitors for the VP slot?

Is John McCain, decorated war veteran, long time public servant, dedicated father and owner of who-knows-how-many-homes actually expecting me to believe that this was his best choice? Is he expecting me to believe that since he shored up the nomination six full months ago, this was the yield of his scouting labor? Are we to be confident in her even though he made this decision after only meeting with Palin for the first time the day before he asked her to run with him. What happened to Charlie Christ? What happened to Mitt Romney? What happened to Rudy? I’m so mystified that I’m even asking what happened to Mike Huckabee! Are we expected to believe that all of these guys got beat out by a 21st Century version of June Cleaver that can get you a good deal on a snow-mobile? I mean, let’s face it, no one gets along great and I know McCain had his problems with Huckabee, Rudy and Romney during the primaries, but if Biden could get away with the Fuzzy Zoeller Award of the Year and still get picked, than surely fences could have been mended. How can McCain possibly reconcile the numerous ideological differences between himself and his running mate in a convincing enough fashion to win?

Life is truly stranger than fiction...which leads me to believe that one of three things is happening here:

  1. The former top options all removed themselves from consideration because they don’t want to be on a ticket that gets drubbed in November.
  2. George Lucas has overthrown Karl Rove for control of the Republican Party and is desperately trying to make up for those shitty Star Wars prequels by showing he can write drama.
  3. McCain will yet be proven right. Gov. Palin will show that she indeed possess talents not yet visible to the naked eye and will prove everyone wrong through staunch political savvy, undeniable mastery of issues – both domestic and foreign, exemplary oratorical skills and a complete lobotomization that will make her palatable to anyone who: still believes in the Theory of Evolution; anyone not living in Alaska, Montana, Wyoming or any other locale where you pack heat waiting for the Russians to invade; anyone who thinks the government should mind its own f***ing business when it comes to what we do with our bodies, etc, etc…Naturally, none of those things came through successfully in the acceptance speech that was written for her at the RNC. Unless, of course, you consider success to be transparent jingoism, baseless attacks on the opposition (e.g., raising taxes - don't the Republicans have anything else they can use?!), a total lack of policy discussion (oh, pardon me, she did mention drilling for oil several times), yadda, yadda, yadda - don't believe me? Read the transcript for yourself here. Outside of the few zingers lobbed Obama's way, her speech was an insult.

So, The Cupcake is still left scratching his head. Any way you slice it, the thing that scares me the most is that the First-Son-In-Law might be this guy (nice mullet by the way) in another 4 months.

You should check out:

The soundtrack to Rumble Fish by Stewart Copeland – drummer from The Police creates an unforgettable soundscape to one of the most overlooked movies of the 1980’s. Added bonus? You get to hear Stan Ridgway from Wall of Voodoo sing something other than Mexican Radio.